Impossible to forget
by AntoShepherd
Summary: Post S2: Derek leaves Addison to be with Meredith, but will Meredith get back to him? Or will she stay with Finn?
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: Hi everyone! I'm an Italian girl and I really love English and Grey's Anatomy, so I started writing an English fan fiction about Grey's. It's my first attempt to write a story in your language, so I'd really appreciate if you reviewed this to tell me first of all if you understand what I wrote (I really hope so!) and then what you think of the story, if it's a totally crap, or of it worth continuing. The first chapter is short, but in the future will be longer chapters. Thank you and review!

Impossible to forget

Chapter 1: I just can't live a lie

Meredith couldn't believe that was happening what was happening.

She was standing there, freezing, unable to say a single word while her gaze was now on Derek, then on Finn and then on Derek again….she couldn't breath because of the way he was looking at her, but she couldn't force herself to look away….it was always the same story with him. She forgot about Finn for a while and her mind came back to the exam room, to Derek that was kissing her, touching her, making love with her…..God it felt so right then, so perfect…..she had dreamt of that since he had left her for Addison…..oh my God, Addison, his wife, her suppose friend…..the reason because she couldn't be with Derek.

- What did I do? God, what did I do?- these words began to scream into her mind and she stopped looking at Derek. She had slept with a married man, she was a dirty mistress again…..she didn't know what to do.

- Derek what are you doing here? I thought you were following me-. It was Addison.

Derek looked at his wife and opened his mouth to say something, but it wasn't necessary, because Meredith spoke first. – I'm sorry Addison, it's my fault…..I…I'm so sad for Doc's death and Derek….Derek knows it so he just wanted make sure I was alright, right Derek?-

Derek gave her a deep, sad look, then said – Yeah, right. So….are you alright, Mere?-

- I….I'll be fine- she couldn't control her voice, she felt her eyes were getting fill with tears and she couldn't let herself cry in front of Addison and Finn….and Derek, in particular. She went near Finn and without knowing why, she found herself telling Derek – Don't worry about me….I have Finn-.

She'd never seen Derek so hurt, neither when he had found her at Finn's. Meredith could see it from his eyes….his blue eyes were so sad….Meredith didn't mean to say that, but couldn't help it….she was so angry with him…..he had hurt her so much lately but she couldn't stop loving him….why couldn't she just forget him and go on with Finn? Maybe she was angrier with herself than Derek, she hated herself because she wasn't able to do the right thing….yeah, forget Derek and be with Finn was the best thing to do, right?

After a while, Derek finally spoke – I see- he said simply, then he left follow by his wife who was gone after him without saying a word….Meredith hope that she had believed her.

- So, do you want me to take you home?- ask Finn gently…..too gently. Meredith felt horrible….Finn was so sweat and completely into her, and how was she thanking him? Cheating on him after a few dates? Using him to make Derek jealous? She was a horrible person.

- Yes, please. I'm so tired….besides, Izzie needs me- she finally said

- You're right, she needs her friends' support right now-

Meredith gave him a tired smile.

Finn was driving Meredith home. They hadn't spoken much since they had left the hospital.

Meredith was thinking of a way to tell him what had happened between her and Derek. She wanted to be honest, Finn didn't deserve a lie, she deserved the truth. Be honest with him was the least she could do. The problem was she didn't know how to tell him this truth. Did she has to tell him just about that night? Tell him that was a mistake and she regretted it? No, she couldn't tell him that, because it wasn't the truth….she didn't regret what happened with Derek…..she knew that was awful she didn't, that what they had done was wrong, but she couldn't help but feel that way. It had been beautiful being in Derek's arms again, feeling his hands touching her body, her hair….being kissed by him….nobody kissed Meredith like Derek did, nobody made feel Meredith the way Derek did….nobody was like Derek and Meredith wanted him….just him. That night she had felt Derek's heart beating like a crazy for her….she had felt his love…..in some way he loved her, now she was sure of that…it couldn't be anyway. Meredith couldn't swear that he felt about her the very same way she felt about him, but he had to feel something for her.

_She…she doesn't drive me crazy, she doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal, she doesn't make me sick to stomach thinking of my veterinarian touching her with his hands! _

His words had to mean something, if Derek had said that was because he meant it.

But unfortunately all that didn't change the fact that he was married and she was dating Finn, that even if she didn't regret sleeping with him, it wasn't fair for a lot of reasons. Meredith had learnt that sometimes love was not enough, even if it was a deeply, consuming love like that she felt for Derek.

So she would have told Finn the entirely truth and go on with her life trying not to think about Derek because was the right thing to do. It sucked, but it was right.

Finn parked the car in front of her house – We're arrived- he said.

Meredith smiled at him….that wasn't the best moment to have the kind of conversation she needed to have with him. – Thank you Finn, see you tomorrow-

- Ok, you're alright?-

- Yes…goodnight- she gave him a kiss on the cheek and got off the car.

Derek was laying on his bad, his eyes lifeless.

_I have Finn. I have Finn. I have Finn_

Meredith's words kept repeating in his mind. She wanted to hurt him and she had done it. Not that he could blame her….he had been an ass with her lately…..a very big ass. But it was because he was so jealous of Finn…..yeah, he, Derek Shepherd, was jealous like a teenage guy, he was getting crazy at the idea of Meredith with another man….he couldn't stand it, he just couldn't. Let's face the reality: he was desperately in love with that girl and despite all his attempts of make his marriage works, of convincing himself that he could love his wife again, he couldn't. That night he had accept this reality and he had told Meredith how he felt about her or at least he hoped so….but Meredith was clearly still angry with him…..of course she was, he was still married, he made her cheat with him…..he was a jerk: the more he tried to adjust the things, the more he ruined everything. If he wanted to be with Meredith, he had to talk with his wife, he had to end his marriage. He hadn't planned to cheat on Addison, it was just happened…..he couldn't hide his feelings for Meredith anymore. He had felt guilty because he had ignored Addison before Mark, it was why he had tried to make his marriage work, for that and for his vows….but now it seemed all so worthless…..both of them had broken the vows and the marriage didn't work…..he was incredible unhappy, unable to stop thinking about another woman and that wasn't fair neither for Addison or him. Plus, for the first time he had realized he could lose Meredith forever, and that scared him like hell. He didn't want to hurt Addison, he really didn't, but he couldn't keep living a lie.

Addison went out the bathroom and sat down on bad – Meredith Grey is a terrible liar – she said.

- What?-

- She doesn't know how to tell a lie. Or do you think I believed at her version of what was going on?-

- Addison…..I'm sorry- those were the only words he managed to say. Addison beat her lips….she already knew what was going on between her husband and that intern, she had always known, but she didn't want to admit it, because it meant her marriage was over….really over.

- You know, she's dating the vet…and I think she really likes him- she said trying to hurt him

- Yes, I know that-

- So why don't you just try to forget her?-

- I tried, really. But I can't….I'm sorry-

- Stop saying you're sorry!- now she was screaming. She didn't want to act like this, but she couldn't help it. – Did you sleep with her tonight?- she asked calmer. Derek seemed surprised

- How do you know?-

- I just know….I can feel it-

- It wasn't planned Addison, I swear….It had happened just tonight-

- I know, but this doesn't make it less hard- She stood up – I'm staying in an hotel tonight-

- I think it's a good idea-

- So…it's over, right? It's really over this time-

- I guess it is-

- What are you going to do now? Beg her to come back to you?-

- Yes, all that is necessary-

Addison smiled sadly – You really love her, don't you?-

Derek's face make sweeter –Yes, I really do-


	2. There's something about Meredith

Author's Note: So this is the second chapter….I hope you like it. Review, please!

(I wanted to thank Morgen86 for her review….I'd really appreciate your suggests about the phrasing issues, thank you so much!)

Chapter 2: There's something about Meredith

Meredith hadn't slept at all that night. She had tried hard, but unsuccessful ….her mind kept coming back to Derek and she became feeling guiltier than ever…..maybe if she regretted last night it would be easier, but she didn't, so the guilty she felt was probably her punishment…..an atrocious punishment. She was ready to go at work, but before leaving the house she checked on Izzie. She was sleeping in her beautiful prom dress, her face dirty of mascara because of all the crying and Alex was asleep too, in an uncomfortable chair. He was been near Izzie all night. Meredith tried to wake him up gently

- Alex? Alex it's late…you should get ready or you'll miss the round-

Alex moaned for a while, then he opened his eyes – Meredith?-

- Yes. You've fallen asleep last night-

- What time is it?-

- 5 a.m.-

- Crap, it's really late-

- Don't worry, Bailey will understand. I have to go now, see you later-

- Ok-

Meredith left the house very quickly…she didn't want to come across to George and Callie….she had seen her and Derek after that "thing" last night and she couldn't handle people's judgements right now. She had to think about what saying to Finn that night and most importantly, of how avoid Derek….she couldn't talk to him, not so soon.

Meredith was lucky until afternoon. Unbelievably, she had been able to avoid both Derek and Addison...luckily, that day she was working on a case with Bailey.

She was waiting for the elevator, ready to run away if Derek was in there. When the elevator arrived was full of people, but no sign of Derek so Meredith went in. At the 4th floor, everybody went out, or at least Meredith thought so.

- Hi- said a voice behind her. Meredith jumped and turned back: it was Derek. Crap. She hadn't realized he was in there.

- Hi- She wished the elevator would have already arrived. Derek went closer to her but she stepped back immediately.

- What? Are you afraid of me?- he asked with that smirk she both loved and hate so much.

- Don't be stupid, of course that I'm not afraid of you….but I think it would be better if we weren't so close- she said trying to avoid his gaze….oh crap, he was giving her "their look"…..she couldn't resist that look.

- Why aren't you looking at me?- .She didn't answer

- Look at me, Meredith- he leaned to her and lifted her chin so that he could look into her eyes.

- Don't….please, Derek, we can't do this….it's wrong, it's totally wrong-

- We need to talk, Mere-

- No, we don't. We just have to forget what have happened last night-

- I can't forget….I don't want to forget-

- You don't have a choice…you're married, Derek. What happened between us was a….was a mistake- her voice died down when she said the last word….her heart was screaming that it hadn't been a mistake, but she couldn't listen to her heart right now…..she had to do the right thing.

- No, it wasn't a mistake…..no, it wasn't at all- Derek seemed not to care what Meredith was saying

- Derek!-

-No, Meredith, listen to me: it wasn't a mistake. It's been the first time since Addison showed up that I felt good, happy…..so happy that I would like to yell it to the entirely world…..and I know, I feel that you felt the same way. So, don't say that it was a mistake, because I don't believe you-

Meredith's heart jumped to her throat. She just wanted to kiss him and keep him close.

Unfortunately that perfect moment was interrupt when elevator's doors opened. Meredith went out without saying a word. She thought….she almost hoped that Derek would have followed her, but he didn't.

After his shift, Derek went to Joe's bar.

He didn't know what to do with Meredith….That morning he went at work wanting to tell her about his separation with Addison immediately. But she had kept avoiding him, and when they had finally found each other in the elevator, he had felt it wasn't the right moment to tell her what had happened with Addison. So she was still with Finn and he was alone at Joe's. Perfect.

- Hey man, what do you want?- asked Joe

- Tequila- tequila reminded him of Meredith

- Problems with Meredith?-

- How do you know?-

- I know everything…. And you don't drink tequila so often-

- Yeah, it's Meredith…..it's always her- answered Derek and then he let the tequila slide down his throat. – Another shot –

- You know, you seem her right know. It's Meredith the one who shows up here and get drunk with tequila when she has problems with you –

- Does she do it very often?-

- Yeah…pretty much. You broke her heart dude…this is the only way she knows not to think of you for a while –

- I'm a jerk…..I'm really a jerk-

- Yeah, I guess you are sometimes-

Derek kept drinking until he started feel drunk.

- Joe, I want to ask you something, and I want you to be completely honest-

- I'm always honest with drunk guys-

- Fine….do you think Meredith love Finn? Because I think she loves me….I feel that she loves me. But I've been an ass with her lately and I know she likes Finn and…..the point is…..the point is I'm scared….what if I lost her forever?-

- First of all that was your last shot of tequila….you're drunk enough. And about Meredith….I think she's better since Finn, but I'm sure she still loves you. I've heard that girl talk about you for months….she'll never stop loving you. But this isn't good for her, at least not until you're married-

- I'm not married anymore…..I mean, I am, but not for long. Addison and I are separated-

- What? It's great! Why are you sitting here drunk instead of going to her and telling her the news?-

- Because I'm a jerk- Derek said letting his head fall between his hands

- You're a very sad drunk guy tonight. I'm calling you a cab-

Derek closed his eyes…he felt sick, he had drunk too much….he was unable to think, but Meredith kept being in his mind…..she was always in his mind, no matter what.

Finn had brought Meredith out for dinner that night. She wasn't in the mood, but Finn had insisted so much…. He thought she needed going out to distract herself from all the work issues.

He had taken her home and Meredith wanted to talk to him immediately….she couldn't stand that situation anymore.

-Finn we have to talk- she finally said

- Now?-

- Now-

- Ok, I'm listening to you- He was smiling…..why was he smiling? It made everything herder to her….she didn't want to break his heart….but she was going to. She hated herself so much right now!

- Finn, this isn't simple….this isn't simple at all. I did a terrible thing and I'll perfectly understand if you hate me after I'll tell you what I did-

- Meredith, calm down, what's wrong?-

- Don't be so sweet with me…I don't deserve it-

- Meredith…?-

- I slept with Derek during the prom- she said fast.

Finn's face turned darker than ever….Meredith wanted to run away, but she couldn't act like a coward right now.

- I know what you're thinking…..I'm a dirty mistress….I know that. But the thing is….I love him, I love him more than anyone. Not that this is an excuse….-

- I knew he wasn't just a friend to you…..I knew- Finn managed to say.

- I didn't know he was married when we were dating…..he didn't tell me. Then Addison showed up….you can imagine what happened next. I tried to forget him….but it's useless…..I can't do it-

Finn didn't say anything, he just kept looking at her.

- Please, say something-

- What do you want me to say?-

- I don't know….everything you want, but say something-

- I feel stupid-

- What?-

- I feel stupid because I've known you for few weeks and now I feel so bad and jealous. I'd like to punch Derek Shepherd-

Meredith didn't expect him to say that…she knew Finn liked her, but apparently he liked her more that she had thought. – Aren't you mad at me?- she asked

- A bit-

- I didn't mean to hurt you-

- I know that-

- You deserve someone better that me-

- Meredith, you have made a mistake, but I still think you're great, I still like you-

- Are you saying that you want to be with me? Still?-

- I need some time, but yes, I'm saying this-

Meredith was sincerely shocked….what was she suppose to do now?

- You should go inside now….I'll call you, I promise-

- Finn have you listened to me? I slept with Derek, I said I still love him that I can't forget him, and you want to stay with me? This is crazy!-

- No, it isn't-

- Finn…-

- Meredith, Derek is married, you can't be with him anyway…..I know you love him but I can help you to go on with your life….I can do it-

- Why do you want to do this for me? Why are you so generous?-

- I'm not doing this just for you….but for me too. Since my wife died I had never felt this way about someone…..you're special, Meredith and I really want to try with you-

Meredith smiled at his words, then she leaned to him and kissed him soft. – Thank you Finn-

- You're welcome-

Meredith got off the car and while she was searching for the keys in her bag, she found herself think _Maybe…_


	3. Incomprehensions

Author's Note: I apologize for the short update. I don't have so much time right now. So review, please! I need to know if it's worth writing, or if I'm wasting my time!

( Sorry again if there's some mistakes…remember, I'm not English!)

Chapter 3: Incomprehensions

When Meredith woke up the morning after, she thought she had dreamt everything.

She had told Finn the truth about her and Derek and he hadn't yelled or anything…..he had been so perfect instead…..he was a great guy and he really wanted to stay with her….so why did she feel so empty? The day before, after the whole thing, she had begun to think of Finn like a possibility…..she could be with him trying to have a happy normal life…..she could do this. But now she felt so empty….and it was because of Derek…..of course that it was because of him. She couldn't stop thinking that she would never love someone the way she loved Derek….this was so sad and so unfair….she desperately wanted to forget him and try to be with Finn….to be happy. But she couldn't be happy without him and she hated it. What did she have to do?

She needed to talk with someone about the whole issue, but all her friends seemed to have more important problems than hers…Izzie was…. She wasn't Izzie anymore, actually. She was lifeless, angry…Alex was the only person she let to be close to her….Meredith knew he was completely into her and she secretly hoped that someday, when things would get better, Izzie would give him another possibility. Cristina already had so many problems with Burke, his hand and their relationship. And then there was George…but she couldn't talk to George about her love life, not after the whole thing between them. So, apparently, she was alone….she had to make a decision by herself, without her friends' advices.

That day, Meredith felt like everybody's eyes were on her….she didn't know why, but she kept feel that way until Cristina went to her.

- What the hell are you doing, Mer?-

- Hi to you too! I haven't seen you for almost two days and you say hello in this way?-

Cristina rolled her eyes – Whatever, answer my question: what are you doing?-

- What are you talking about?-

- I'm talking about McDreamy! –

_Oh, crap_

- How do you know?- asked Meredith lowering her voice

- Everybody in the hospital know!-

_Oh crap, crap, crap_

- I don't understand…..how can they possibly know? I didn't tell anybody except Finn-

- Oh, you told Finn but you didn't tell me!-

- Cristina, I had to tell Finn, he deserved to know!-

- I'm your best friend, I've been supporting when you were miserable for Derek, so I think I deserve to know as much as Finn does that McDreamy is getting divorce!-

Meredith looked at Cristina like she was crazy. Derek was getting divorce? It wasn't possible, was it? He didn't tell her anything.

- I didn't get it, Cristina….Derek is getting divorce?-

- What, didn't you know?-

- Oh my God, is it true? Aren't you kidding me?-

- Of course I'm not. I'm not in the mood after Burke's accident-

Meredith felt sick….Derek was getting divorce…why? Because of her? If it was because of her, why wouldn't he tell her?

- If you didn't know, what were _you_ talking about?-

- I didn't tell you because of Burke….you have your problems…-

- Meredith! –

- I slept with Derek-

- Oh….now it's getting clearer-

- What?-

- Why he's finally divorcing Addison-

- So you think it's because of me-

- Wake up, Meredith! Of course it's because of you!-

- Oh my God…what am I suppose to do now?- she wanted to become invisible.

- I'm not the biggest Derek's fan, you know that. He broke you-

- I remember-

- But you're clearly still into him-

- That's not true….I mean, I'm technically still with Finn….he still wants to try with me, I don't know why, but he wants to. And he's great, so…-

- Shut up, Mere! You're so into him!-

- Cristina!-

- You aren't able to hide your feelings, especially when it's about Derek-

- But Finn…-

- Finn it's a good guy, but it can't work if you're still in love with Derek-

- Are you saying that I should come back with Derek? –

- No, I'm not, you're the only one that can make this decision, I'm just suggesting you to be honest with yourself-

Meredith smiled – Thank you, Cristina….I'll try-

She had to talk with Derek. She didn't want to, but she had to. She had to know why he had ended his marriage, she wanted to hear it by him. But he wasn't at work that day. It was very strange….Meredith had listened the nurses telling that Derek hadn't neither called to justify his absence…..she was getting worried….he didn't act like that. So she decided to do a thing she probably wouldn't never do: she went to his trailer.

He wasn't out, the door of the trailer was closed and she didn't hear anything. She hesitated for a moment, then she knocked….but Derek didn't answered.

- Derek? Derek are you in?- Nothing.

- Derek?- she didn't know why, but she was scared. It was stupid, but she couldn't help it.

- Derek!- she yelled.

The door finally opened. Derek was half asleep and most import…half naked, if you didn't consider his boxer.

- Meredith?-

Without thinking, she hugged him. He seemed surprised, but he immediately surrounded her with his arms.

- Thank God, you're fine- she whispered. She felt so good in his arms….Nothing else mattered when she was in his arms.

- Why? Did you think I wasn't fine?- he asked gently

- You weren't at work today and you didn't call….I don't know, I was worried. I'm stupid-

- You're not stupid….you lovely – he said stroking her heir.

Meredith felt her cheeks burning. _Oh, that's not good._ She couldn't lose her self-control….no, she couldn't, not right now.

She shrugged off Derek's hug. – Something's wrong?- Derek asked

- Actually, I wanted to ask you something- Meredith said looking straight to the floor….the sight of his naked chest was a big distraction. It was stupid, she had slept with him thousand of times….he had slept with him two days before as well, but she couldn't bare the sight of his naked chest. She felt like a teenage girl.

- Tell me- he said

- Could you wear a t-shirt or something before? If you don't mind of course- she said quickly.

Derek couldn't help but smile. He put a shirt on – Better now?-

- Much better, thank you-

Derek couldn't stop smiling.

- Why are you smiling?- asked Meredith

- You make me smile-

- Derek!-

- I'm sorry, but you seem a little girl right now!-

- I know…I'm sorry, but I can't help it, ok?-

- Don't take me wrong. I like it. I like _you_. No matter how you act, I just like you-

Meredith flushed. She both loved and hated when he talked to her like that. She loved it because he always knew how to make her heart beat fast and she hated it because it made everything more difficult.

- Are you trying to hit on me?- she asked smiling

- Always-

Owww, he couldn't keep acting like that. She was getting crazy. He was looking at her now….she had to do something…..she wasn't famous for her self-control.

- Why weren't you at work?- she asked

- Are you trying to change the subject?-

- Are you avoid my question?-

Derek smiled. God, he loved her. He loved everything about her.

- Ok….I was at Joe's yesterday and I got drunk….too drunk. I was a mess this morning so I thought I had better take a day off- he explained.

Meredith's smile died. He got drunk. Maybe it was because of the divorce…..maybe _she_ left him….maybe he still felt something for his wife.

- Is something wrong?- he asked noticing the change in her expression.

- I have to go- she couldn't ask him about his divorce anymore. She was scared. After what had happened in the exam room she had been sure that she meant something for Derek…..but what if she was wrong? What if it had been just sex for him?

- You can't go. You wanted to talk, remember? So, let's talk!- he protested.

- I can't-

- Come on, Mer! What's changed? Have I said something that pissed you off?-

- No…I just have to go- she said trying to leave the trailer, but Derek didn't let her do it.

- I can't let you go. I have to tell you something as well-

- What?-

- It's about my marriage-

- I don't want to hear anything about your marriage!-

- Why are you acting like this?-

- Let me go!- she yelled and ran away. Derek wanted to go after her, but something told him it wasn't a good idea.

- What can I do to make you understand I love you? What, Mer?- he asked, but Meredith wasn't there anymore and his question rested answerless.


	4. I love you

Author's note: I don't know why, but it's been kind of hard writing this chapter….but after all I think I like it. What do you think? Review, please!

Chapter 4: I love you

After the discussion with Derek, Meredith came back home immediately. She felt so confused…. Maybe she had been overstated with him, but she couldn't help it……she was scared, she was terrified, actually. Derek was too important to her, everything about him was a big deal and she didn't know how to manage all of that. And most importantly, she couldn't help but think about how he had hurt her last time…..she couldn't repeating that experience, she couldn't….it was too hard. Finally, there was Finn too. She didn't know how to act with him. She had told him the truth, but he didn't seem to care…he wanted to be with her. But….did she wanted to be with him? She liked him, she really did, but let's face the reality: she didn't want him…she wanted Derek. But did Derek _really_ wanted her? There were too many questions and few answers…..it was so complicated!

- Hey Meredith- said George when she came in the kitchen.

- Hey George- He was alone…Callie weren't with him. _He knows anyway…everybody know._

- A cookie?- he offered

- Oh, yes, thank you….I hadn't dinner tonight-

- Where have you been?- She didn't answer.

- Sorry, you don't have to tell me, if you don't want to-

- I'm sorry George…but I don't want to talk about it….-

- It's about Shepherd, isn't it?-

Meredith didn't say anything….he already knew the answer.

- Of course it's about him-

- George…-

- Don't. I'm not….we're not ready to talk about this again. Actually I don't know if _I_'ll ever be, so…-

- Step by step, George. We have to rebuild our friendship step by step-

He smiled – Step by step-

Meredith smiled as well, then went upstairs.

The day after Meredith kept avoiding Derek. She knew it wasn't the righter thing to do, but she wasn't ready to have another discussion with him. When her shift was over, she was going to come back home, but someone she didn't expect was in the hall of the hospital: Finn was waiting for her.

_Crap_

- Finn! What are you doing here?- she asked

- Waiting for you….I wanted to bring you out tonight…..if you want to, of course-

- I' d like to go out with you, really, but that's not the best moment, actually-

- Why? Something's wrong?-

- No….it's just….- she didn't know what to say to him.

- Please, don't tell me it's still Derek-

- Finn….-

- Meredith, you're hurting yourself, you understand it? He's married, you can't be with him!-

- It's not so simple, Finn….I'm really confused, right now-

- Oh, you're a lovely couple….you know that?- Meredith turned back: it was Derek

_Crap, crap, crap_

- Derek!-

- Seriously Meredith, you've avoided me the all day and now you're with him _here_? Where I can see you? Are you trying to hurt me, or make me jealous or what? Do you want revenge? I don't understand, Meredith! –

- Don't talk to her like this!- said Finn angrily

- This is none of your business, I need to talk to Meredith-

- You don't have the rights to talk to her!-

Derek ignored Finn and told Meredith: - Please Mer….I don't understand why you're avoiding me….I just want to talk, we really need to talk. Please-

- Meredith, don't listen to him…come with me, Meredith-

Meredith wanted to yell. They made everything more difficult. Plus, everybody was looking at them…she hated that situation, she really hated it.

- Meredith!- Finn called her again…..she felt like she was living again the prom night.

Derek wasn't calling her instead: he was just looking at her…..his eyes were begging her to talk with him. Maybe she had to listen to him….she had to forget her fear and give him another possibility because it was what she wanted after all.

- I'm sorry, Finn….I need to talk to Derek-

- But Meredith…-

- I have to do it…..I'll call you later, ok?-

Finn was clearly upset, but he just said – Ok- and walked away.

Meredith looked at Derek: - So…let's talk, Derek-

Both Derek and Meredith agreed that the hall of the hospital wasn't the best place o talk, so they went in a bar….not Joe's bar, because there were too many people they knew over there.

They were sitting one in front of another, a little circle table separated them.

Meredith was staring to her coffee: she knew Derek was looking at her, so she was careful not to meet his gaze.

- I thought we had to talk- Derek said

- We should-

- So, you should look at me…or does you want have a conversation with your coffee?-

Meredith laughed – You're thinking I'm kind of crazy, right?-

- I'm not thinking that-

- You should then…..I'm driving you crazy….I'm driving Finn crazy…..and my self too-

- Meredith, what's up? You can talk to me, you can do it, Mer-

Meredith looked at him – I know about your divorce, Derek…I know it-

- You know?-

- I know-

Derek seemed confused – I don't understand….aren't you happy? I thought it was what you wanted-

- It's not so simple….I need to know why you're getting divorce, why you didn't tell me-

- I tried, but it's not that simple tell you something. You don't let me talk, you run away-

- I know….I know, but it's because I'm scared-

- Of what?-

- I didn't know if a divorce was what you really wanted. You've never asked for it until now. I thought….I still think that maybe you have still feelings for Addison-

Now Derek seemed really surprise – You think that? That I'm still in love with Addison?-

Meredith nodded.

- Meredith, it's not like that, I swear. I don't love her anymore. I stopped loving her a lot of time ago-

- So why have you chosen her? Why….why have you broken my heart?- she asked. Her beautiful eyes were getting fill with tears and he felt sick: he hated himself for making her feeling bad, for making her cry…..he hated seeing her cry. He loved her smile…..he wished she had always smiled.

- I'm sorry about that. I've never meant to hurt you, Mer. I felt guilty for being absent, it's my fault as well if my marriage was a mess. That's why I chose to stay with Addison the first time…..I felt so guilty….I thought it was my responsibility make my marriage work. But it's been all useless because my marriage was over a lot of time ago….and because of you. I tried not to think about you….but it was a waste of time. I thought that time would have helped me to forget you, but that's impossible: all the time in the world wouldn't be enough. The truth is the more I know you, the more I love you-

Meredith's heart was beating so fast that she thought it was going to explode. Derek took her hand

- I love you Meredith, I love you more than anything else-

- I can't believe this is happening…..I've wished for it for so long…-

- So lets it happening….give me another possibility, Meredith.-

Meredith wanted to say yes….she wanted to be with him, but she really needed to think about it.

- Derek….I need some time to think…I know you want an answer, but…-

- No, it's ok. You can have all the time you want, I'll wait…..I'll wait forever if I have to-

Meredith smiled – Thank you-

- So….what are you going to do with Finn?-

- I thought you would wait- Meredith said with a smirk.

- I'll do it, really….I'm just curious-

- You're jealous-

- Ok, I'm jealous….I really am-

Their hands were still thight together and none of them seemed to want to let go.

Meredith needed to think, that's true: but for now she felt too good….she would have thought later.


	5. Fear

Author's note: First of all, thank you so much for your reviews! Sorry if it took so long to updated, I haven't been in town for two days plus it's been so hard writing this chapter….really hard. So let me know what you think, because I don't know if it's good or not. REVIEW, please!

Chapter 5: Fear

The morning after, Meredith woke up completely delighted.

Derek had said he loved her. He loved her. It was like a perfect dream, but it was even better…..that was the reality.

She had said Derek she needed time, but in that moment she couldn't remember why…..all she wanted to do was be with him. She was so tired of all the thinking….now she wanted to do.

She went to work determinate to talk with Finn once her shift would be over…then there would be just Derek and her…just them.

- It's just 5 o'clock and I already feel today will be a shit. Oh, that so a bad day!- Cristina was complaining but Meredith was too cheerful to let her friend darken her.

- Don't be so negative, Cristina. At the end of the day something could surprise you –

Cristina looked at her sceptically: - You're happy….you seem really happy, today-

Meredith smiled –I am-

- Are you? This is strange….something's happened with Derek?-

- Yes, actually it did…..we talked, and he said he love me-

- Wow-

- Yeah, wow-

- So he finally told you. I thought he would have never done it–

- Did you know that?-

- Of course that I know. Everybody know……I think even Addison knows. You know, sometimes you're really blind, Meredith.-

- I guess I am….-

Meredith and Cristina enjoyed George and Alex and they all went to Bailey to get their assignments.

-Finally! I thought you were lost!- said Bailey when she saw them arriving – Don't lose precious time! Yang, the Chief needs an intern, go! George you're with Shepherd, Alex you're with Dr. Norris, he'll replace Dr. Burke until he'll be able to do his job again. And finally, Grey, you're with Montgomery-Shepherd –

_Crap_

She hadn't thought about Addison anymore since the last night. She didn't want to spend the day with her….how was she supposed to act around her? Meredith assumed Derek had told her about their little thing in the exam room….Addison knew she had slept with her husband.

Meredith remembered when she had asked her if she was sleeping with Derek, days ago. She had said no…..and it was true, then. But now…..Addison had to think she was an hypocrite.

She breathed deeply and went in the elevator…..she had to do her job anyway.

Obviously _he_ was there.

- Hi- he said with a smirk….that lovely smirk.

- Hi- she couldn't smile, not right now.

- Something's wrong?- he asked

- Why are you asking me it?-

- Because I know you…..and now your face is telling me something's wrong-

This time she smiled, but sadly. – I'm going to your wife. I'm on case with her today-

She had said _your wife_ instead of Addison. She didn't mean to, but she couldn't help it.

- Oh- he didn't know what to say to her.

Elevator's doors opened – I have to go- Meredith said and went out.

-Meredith?- he called her stopping elevator's doors with his hand

- What?-

- She won't be my wife anymore soon. You have to remember it. I need you to remember it-

Meredith nodded. He had noticed it. She nodded: -I'll do it.-

- Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, I'm your intern- Meredith said when she saw Addison.

- Fine- she simply said.

_She's hating me._

- What do you want me to do?-

- Our patient is a woman pregnant with three twins. I want you to check on her until this afternoon, when I'll operate her-

- Caesarean section delivery?-

- Yes-

Addison gave her attention to a patient's chart, but when she realized Meredith hadn't moved, she asked – Do you want to tell me something, Dr. Grey?-

- I…-

- You what?-

- I'm sorry- Meredith whispered

Why couldn't she keep her mouth shout? Why?

- I don't want you to be sorry-

- I know….I shouldn't have told you that…I just…-

- You asked me what I wanted you to do. Well, the last thing I want you to do is being sorry for me and for the end of my marriage.-

- Ok, I get it-

They keep being silent for a while

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be harsh, but it's not simple for me having you around- Addison finally said.

- I know that-

- I have to get used to see him with you, I know, but for now I can't-

- We're not together- Meredith said immediately. She didn't know why, but she felt the urge to say it.

- You're not? Are you still with Finn?-

- I…..I don't know, actually. I don't know anything- it was too strange talk about it with Addison.

- Ok, we should only talk about work, you agree?- suggested Addison

- I agree-

A couple of hours before the caesarean section delivery Meredith was having lunch with Cristina

- Why are you so quiet?. Cristina asked while she was biting her sandwich.

- There's no reason-

- C'mon, Meredith, I'm not stupid!-

Meredith sighed – I don't understand, Cristina. This morning I was so happy….I knew what to do, I wanted to stay with Derek. And now….I don't know, I feel like something's wrong-

- You're so complicated!-

. Don't you have a suggest?- asked Meredith

- I gave you a suggest yesterday, a beautiful suggest…..and I'm not good at this kind of things, you know that. So….-

- I get it, you don't have a suggest, ok-

- I have to go to check on Burke…see you later- said Cristina and walked away.

After ten minutes Meredith went looking for Addison: she had to catch her up about their patient's condition.

- Have you seen Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?- she asked to a nurse

- She's over there. She's talking with her husband-

Her husband…Derek.

She turned back and saw them. They were talking like the nurse had said. Meredith couldn't hear what they were talking about, but they were very close and they were speaking softly.

Meredith was paralyzed. Why did she still feel so bad looking at the two of them together?

_Derek loves me. He said he loves me._

But this thought didn't make her feel better.

She walked away. Suddenly, she knew what was wrong: she couldn't forget that he had hurt her. She wasn't ready for that. Even if she loved him. Even if she knew he loved her too.

Meredith spent the rest of her shift avoiding Derek. She hated doing it, she was always doing it lately. She was a coward, she was scared of being face to face with him.

The problem was he always found her in some way….and he found her this time as well, while she was leaving the hospital after her shift was over.

- Meredith!-

When she heard him, she started running away.

- Meredith! Wait!-

He caught her when they were out of the hospital.

- Why are you avoiding me? What did happen this time?- he asked

- Derek, please…-

- No, I'm tired of this. I said that I would have given you time and I'll do it. But I don't understand why you have to avoid me, acting like I wouldn't exist-

Meredith didn't say anything

Derek kept talking in a sweeter way: - I know there' something wrong. Tell me, talk to me, Mer. I'm here for you- he caressed her cheek – I love you-

Meredith couldn't keep herself from crying – Don't say it, please-

- Oh, Meredith…- Derek started kissing her face, but Meredith stopped him.

- I can't do this, Derek, I can't- she said

- What are you talking about?-

- I'm talking about us. I can't be with you-

- Why? –

- Because I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget what you have done to me….how you hurt me-

- But you can try-

- I could, but I don't know if I want to-

- I don't understand…-

- Derek, you're my everything…..what if you leave me again? I wouldn't stand to get hurt again-

- But I won't leave you, Mere! I'll never leave you again!-

- I can't be sure…-

- You have to trust me-

- I can't……I don't know how to do it-

Derek let fall his head between his hands – God, Meredith….we were fine yesterday, I know that. you want to be with me, I can feel it. So, why don't you just let it happen? Let me make you happy-

- I let you do it once, I gave you my heart and you broke it in thousand of pieces….you broke me- she yelled. She was crying hard now…..she thought she had forgiven him, but she hadn't.

- I already told you I'm sorry for that, I really am-

- It's not enough, why don't you understand?-

- Ok, so tell me what to do, I'll do everything is necessary to make you trust me again- he said taking her face between his hands.

- You should let me go…-

- No, no, I won't do it, never. Give me another chance, Mer, please…..I need you so much-

Derek's eyes were shiny and Meredith thought he could have started crying in any moment.

She had never seen him so desperate

_He feels bad because of me…he really feels bad._

Why it had to be so complicated? That morning she was so happy….and now all she could think about was that he had left her when she needed him most, that he had lied to her about having a wife. But despite all her angriness, she didn't like seeing him like that at all.

- Derek, I don't want to hurt you, really….but try to understand…I don't know what to do. I'm confused and scared….and being around you make it harder-

- What if….you just keep thinking about it? Like we've said yesterday?- Derek suggested

- But…-

- Please, Meredith, don't give up on us like this….we can't end like this…I don't want it-

His blue eyes were deeper than usual….she couldn't take her eyes off his.

- I don't want it, too- she whispered. She was weak….she couldn't resist him.

- So, don't do it, Mer-

She nodded –Ok-

- Ok?- Derek smiled

She nodded again.

Derek was so happy that he leaned to her and kissed her softly, without thinking twice.

But then he realized he may have made a mistake….that wasn't the best moment to kiss her.

- Meredith, I'm sorry…I didn't mean to…-

But she didn't let him finish because she kissed him. He put his hands between her hair and kept her closer. – I thought you would have been angry for the kiss- he said between kisses

- You were wrong- she said without give up kissing him.

After a while they were able to stop themselves.

- Wow, you're really hot, you know that?- asked Derek

- Don't make fun of me!-

- I'm not, I couldn't be more serious!-

Meredith smiled – Seriously Derek, that was an…exception. I really need time-

- I know. I'll give you all the time you need-

- I don't mean a little time to think, that was yesterday. Now I need a lot of time to trust you again….I need time not to being jealous when I saw you talking with Addison….to make sure that I can be with you without finding a new problem everyday-

- Ok-

- I could really drive you crazy-

- I don't care….I'll do everything you want-

Meredith smiled. She wasn't sure if they could work, but she was sure that she loved him more everyday.


	6. Sick

Author's note: Thank you for the reviews! I'm happy someone is enjoying this. This chapter wasn't planned, but I think it's good, or at least I hope so! Please review! I don't have so much time to write, but if I have more reviews, I think I'll try to write often!

Chapter 6: Sick

- Meredith? Meredith are you ready?-

It was 5 a.m. and Meredith didn't go out of her room. George was getting worried

- Meredith? Meredith, I'm coming in!- he said and he opened the door.

Meredith was laying in her bad, her face was really red and her voice softer than usual.

- Are you ok, Mere?- George asked

- No, I'm not….I think I have the flu…..I feel awful-

- Oh, you should rest then. I'll tell Bailey-

- No! I'm coming….I just need a little time to get up and get ready-

- Don't be stupid, you're a mess!-

- Thank you!-

- I'm sorry, but it's true. Stay at home today.-

Meredith didn't want to stay at home. If she laid in the bed all day she would have a lot of time to think….and she didn't want to do that, she felt too sick. But George was right….if Bailey saw her that way, she would send her home, so she had better to do what he was suggesting her.

- Ok, whatever you want- she finally said

- Good. See you later- George said and then he walked away.

Meredith closed her eyes and tried to sleep, but it was useless: her mind was full of Derek.

She missed him. It had been a week since they talked the last time. She said she needed time to trust him again, to understand if they could be together again without too many problems. And he was giving her time…..time and space. He was always professional, and didn't search for her to ask her about them. He said hello and sometimes Meredith felt his eyes on her, but nothing else.

Meredith was happy that he was acting well, but God….she missed him so much!

About Finn, she hadn't called him yet. She didn't know how to end the thing with him…..she had already tried once, and it had been useless. But she had to do it……she need to do it.

Derek had immediately noticed Meredith's absence. He could feel when she was in the same place he was…he could feel her. Giving her time and space wasn't so easy….it was hard to him not being next to her. But he had to do it. Meredith needed to trust him again….she needed to know that he was ready to do all that it was necessary.

He wanted to know why Meredith wasn't at work, so he decided to ask to her roommate.

- O'Malley?-

- Yes, sir?-

- I was wondering why Meredith isn't here today -

- Oh….I don't know if I can tell you that-

- Of course you can!-

- But…-

- Please, tell me-

George sighed – Ok…she have the flu-

- The flu? Oh….and is she alone now?-

- No, Izzie is with her-

- Did you give her something?-

- It's just flu! She'll be better soon- said George

- Right….right- Derek mumbled and walked away.

George couldn't help but smile. He had never liked Shepherd that much…..he was the love of Meredith's life, how could have liked him? But he had to admit that he really loved Meredith…he could read in his face.

Meredith was dreaming of Derek…..she always dreamt of him recently.

The peace and that warm feeling she felt in the dream disappeared when Izzie woke her up.

- Meredith? Meredith you have to eat something-

Meredith moaned – I'm not hungry-

- That's not important, you have to eat, you can't take the medicine without eating-

- Ok- she took the plate from Izzie's hand and started to eat slowly - So…how are you?- she asked.

- I should ask you that-

- C'mon Izzie, you know what I mean-

Izzie changed expression – I'm not fine….I think I'll never be fine again-

- Don't say that…-

- It's the truth….I feel empty…. have you ever felt empty?-

- Yeah-

- I don't know what to do with my life…..all I can think about is Danny. I miss him-

- I know….but he wouldn't want to see you like that. You have to move on-

- I can't just move on, Meredith. Danny died….I won't see him never again. How…how would you feel if the man you love had died?-

Meredith didn't say anything….Izzie was right. Sometimes she didn't remember Izzie had really loved Danny…..it had happened so fast. But, if she thought about it, the same thing had happened to her: she basically fell for Derek the first day, and since then her love was just grown. If something happened to him, she would die.

- I'm sorry, Iz….the truth is I have no idea what you were going through…I've been insensitive. If I was you, I don't know what I would do….I don't want even think about it-

- It's ok, Meredith, really, it's not just you…..nobody know what I'm going through-

Meredith nodded sadly. She felt so bad for her.

- You know what? You look like crap, Meredith. You really need to rest- Izzie said changing subject.

Meredith rolled her eyes and smiled slightly: something of the old Izzie was still alive.

- Ok, whatever you want, doc-

Meredith slept a lot: the medicine Izzie gave her worked like a sedative too.

When she woke up, it was dark outside. She looked around and saw someone who was sitting in the chair next to her bad.

- Derek?- she asked hesitantly

- Hi- he said smiling.

It was really him.

He turned on the light – How do you feel?-

- Better. Sleeping helped me. But…..what are you doing here?-

- I've heard you were sick, and I wanted to check on you, so I came here after my shift-

Meredith saw the time: - It's 10 and you're still here!- she exclaimed surprised

Derek seemed worried. – Is this bothering you? Because I can go away immediately-

- No, no! It's ok, really. I'm just surprised….you've been here for so long without even waking me up-

- You needed to rest and plus….I missed this-

- What?-

- Being next to you when you sleep….listening to you breathing-

She felt burning and she could swear it wasn't because of the temperature.

- I'm sorry, I know I'm suppose to leave you alone, to let you think…..but I needed to see if you were ok. It's just flu, I know, but I wanted to be sure-

- I'm not upset, Derek, really. I'm happy you're here- she said sincerely.

- You are?-

She nodded. – I appreciate what you are doing, really, but give me time to think doesn't mean you don't have to talk to me at all. I mean, you don't have to ignore me. I don't want that-

- Oh, ok! I thought….-

- I know what you thought. It's my fault…I told you I would drive you crazy. The problem is…I don't know what I want. It seems like I'm never happy, whatever you do- she confessed.

- It's sad….because I know exactly what I want- he said, looking straight to her eyes.

In that moment Izzie came in the room.

- I'm sorry, have I interrupted something?- she asked

- It's ok, Izzie, what's up?-

Izzie gave her the cordless – It's Finn- she said and she left.

Meredith looked at Derek: crap, he didn't know she hadn't left Finn yet.

- Derek…-

- You should answer- he said. He didn't seem very happy.

She did. –Hello?-

- Meredith? Are you ok? Izzie told me you're sick-

- It's just flu, I'll be fine soon-

Finn keep being silent for a while

- Finn?-

- Is Derek with you? I heard you saying his name before-

- Oh….no, I'm alone. You didn't understand well-

She had lied. Why had she lied? She was so stupid! She was a terrible liar and plus it wasn't fair.

- Yeah, maybe I'm wrong- he didn't seem so sure.

- Do you want something, Finn?-

- You didn't call me, so….-

- You're right, I'm sorry, but now it isn't the best moment. I'll come to you when I'll feel better, ok?-

- Ok. Bye Meredith-

- Bye Finn-

When the calling was over she looked at Derek again

- So….are you still seeing him?- he asked

- No! I mean….I didn't leave him, but I haven't seen him since that day in the hospital-

- And why didn't you leave him? Maybe you're still thinking of him like an option?-

- Derek….-

- I'm sorry….I'm sorry, I know I'm not suppose to act like this. You need your space, I know that. But try to understand, Mere, I…I can't stand the idea of you and him-

- Derek, I want to break up with him, really. It's just that I don't know how to do it. Finn is a great guy, I don't want to hurt him…..I already did, actually, so I just don't want to keep doing it. Don't be angry-

Derek sighed – I'm not-

- Really?-

- Really-

Meredith didn't know if she could believe him.

- I have to go now- he said

- No! Please, stay….stay until I fall asleep again- she pleaded.

Derek smiled – Ok- he took her hand – Sleep, Meredith….I'm not leaving-

She smiled too and closed her eyes – Thank you, Derek-

It was midnight and Finn couldn't sleep. He kept thinking about his strange calling with Meredith. Derek was with her, he was sure of that. He knew Meredith loved Derek, he could read it in her eyes, but he didn't want to think about it. The truth was he was falling for that strange beautiful girl and he didn't want to let her go.

Suddenly he heard someone knocking the door. Who could have been?

He got up and opened the door

- Hi Finn. We need to talk-

It was Derek Shepherd.


	7. Goodbye

Author's note: Thank you for the reviews! I wanted to thank Camins in particular, I love your reviews! I really like this chapter, I hope you'll enjoy it as well! REVIEWS, please!

Chapter 7: Goodbye

Derek was the last person Finn expected to see. It was a strange situation.

- Come inside- Finn said

Derek went inside and started to speak immediately: - Look, I know it's late, so I won't make you loose much time. I want to talk about Meredith-

- Yeah, I know that- what else could they talk about?

- Actually I shouldn't be here. If Meredith knew that, she would be furious and it's the last thing our relationship needs right now.-

- Your relationship?- Finn hadn't miss the word.

- Yeah….Meredith doesn't want to hurt you, that's why she hadn't told you yet. She decided to give me another possibility….we're not together now, but I'm trying to make her trust me again..-

Finn didn't like what he was hearing at all. – I don't understand why you're here. It's Meredith who should tell me that, if she wants to-

- I know, but she can't do it. She feels guilty….she cares about you, and doesn't want to hurt you again. I'm here to ask you to do the first step….to let her go- Derek explained.

- I don't know if I want to do what you're suggesting me. You want me out of the game….-

- It's not like that! I'm telling you this because I care about Meredith and I don't want her to feel bad. I want to make this thing easier for her. If you really cares about her, you have to hep me.-

Finn felt he was sincere and he knew he was right as well. But it was hard thinking that she had chosen Derek.

- Fine, I'll do it, I'll tell her it's better if we don't see each other anymore- he finally said.

Derek smiled gratefully – Thank you-

- I'm not doing it for you-

- I know-

- You had better to make her happy-

- I'll do it. I'm getting divorce and all I want is make her happy…. when she'll be ready, of course-

- Fine-

Derek noticed the pain in Finn's eyes – Are you in love with her?- he asked

- I don't know….maybe. Yes, I guess I was falling for her, but now I have to move on, right?-

Derek nodded – I know I shouldn't ask you that, but could you keep this conversation for you?-

- I'll try, but I don't like secrets-

Derek just nodded again: he couldn't insist, Finn must hate him and he couldn't blame him. He offered Finn his hand. He hesitated a bit, but then he shook it. It seemed impossible, but they had acted like adults.

Two days after Meredith was back to work. She felt really fine now, at least physically: he felt a mess emotionally instead……she hadn't talk to Finn yet and Derek hadn't come to visit her since the night of the call. He had said he wasn't mad at her, but what if he was lying? What if he would get tired of waiting for her? It was always that the point: she didn't know how to trust him again….he had been so perfect lately, but she still was scared. She hated feeling like that…..it was too complicated and she didn't need it.

- Meredith- it was George.

- What?- she asked

- Finn's here. He's waiting for you in the locker room. I told him he could wait for you over there-

- Finn's here….he's here. What should I do?- Meredith didn't expect him to come….she wasn't ready to talk to him, she didn't know what to say.

- You want to dump him- George said. It wasn't a question, he knew that.

- I have to…-

- So go….leave him. Don't let him to fall in love with you. It's very simple falling for you-

- George…- Meredith felt still bad for George….she couldn't understand if he was still into her. She hoped he had moved on, but she wasn't sure.

- It's ok. Go-

Meredith nodded and went to Finn. He was sitting on a bench in the locker room

- Hi Finn-

He stood up and smiled – Hi Meredith-

- Do you need something?- she asked. It was the most stupid question she could asked in that moment…..but she really didn't know what to say.

- Actually yes. I need to talk to you about us-

_Crap_

She had to expect this, she had avoided the problem for too long.

- Finn….-

- Let me talk, please.-

Meredith nodded.

- I like you, Meredith. Actually I don't just like you…it's more than that-

_Perfect_. She felt worse than before now.

- But you don't feel the same way about me- he continued.

- Finn…-

- No, let me finish. I've known it for a long time. I knew Doc was something more than a dog for you, I knew you have a particular connection with Derek….and I knew…I know you love him. It's so clear….and you told me as well. But I didn't want to listen because…I told you, I really like you and plus I thought you deserved more than him. I still think that actually….but now I also know that he loves you very much and he wants to make you happy. So I guess I have to let you go-

A tear was rolling down her cheek. She couldn't keep it.

- I'm sorry Finn, I really am. I tried to convince myself you were the right person for me but it was useless. You're great….but Derek stole my heart a long time ago…..and I don't know how to take it back.-

Finn smiled and said: - Meredith, you don't want to take it back, you want to be with him-

- But I'm scared…-

- I know….I bet he'll be able to make you trust him again. He really wants it-

Meredith raised an eyebrow – Why are you so sure? You don't know Derek and I thought you didn't like him very much-

- It's true…..but trust me, I know it-

Meredith changed expression suddenly – Oh, my God, you two have talked! He told you something! I'll kill him, I swear I'll kill him!- he said lifting her voice.

- Meredith calm down, that's not a big deal. He wanted to help you. If I told you, you can be sure it's true. I would have never listened to him if I hadn't known he was doing it just for you. So, don't be mad at him-

Meredith smiled – I'll try…..but you're too kind, I've always said that-

Finn smiled too – I have to go, now. Goodbye Meredith-

- Goodbye Finn- And that was the last time she saw him.

That evening Meredith felt lighter…..Finn wasn't a issue anymore. She hadn't seen Derek at all that day….it was very strange, he was always around but today nothing. She'd had dinner with Izzie and Cristina: the three of them hadn't made a thing like that for ages and they all needed it. Izzie seemed doing a bit better, or at least she hoped so. Now she was gone to the cinema with Alex…she was actually doing something different than cooking, crying or laying in her bad. Meredith was very happy for her, she seemed enjoying Alex's company. Cristina was a different story: she was simply exhausted. She worked hard and plus went with Burke when he had to do the therapy for his hand. Burke seemed doing progress, but she was always super tired. After the dinner she had immediately gone at home: Burke was there alone and plus she really needed to sleep. George stayed at Callie's that night, so for now Meredith was alone. She was laying on her sofa reading a book, when the doorbell ringed. She went to open the door.

_Please, you out there…be Derek._

She wanted to see him, she couldn't hide that. Her wish came true: he was there, more awesome than ever, and was smiling.

- I was near your house, so I thought of coming here to see how you were doing-

- I'm fine, really fine- said Meredith with a smile.

- Well….can I come in?-

- You can-

Derek noticed the book Meredith was holding in her hand – Were you reading?-

- Yeah….Izzie is out with Alex and George is at Callie's, so I tried to relax-

- I get it. So…we're alone- he said looking around him

- We're alone- Meredith echoed.

There was a big sexual tension in the air, both of them could feel it. Meredith decided it was better saying something.

- You know….Finn and I broke up today. He came to the hospital-

Derek tried to seemed surprised – Really?-

- Derek I know you told him something ….I don't know exactly what, but I know you did-

_Crap, she's going to freak out_, Derek thought.

- Meredith…-

- I'm not mad at you-

Now Derek was really surprised – You aren't?-

- I'm not. I was but Finn made me change my mind. You should thank him-

Derek smiled – Yes, I guess I should-. He leaned to her and caressed her cheek gently.

- Your skin is so…perfect- he was looking at her so deeply….Meredith knew he wanted to kiss her, and she wanted it as well. The hand he was caressing her cheek with, went trough her hair and than down, on her neck. He kept her closer and smelled her hair, the familiar scent of the lavender filled his lungs. She let him do…his hands made her crazy. – Meredith- he whispered – Mer…- his mouth was so close to her ear….she couldn't bare it. She put her hands on his chest, feeling his perfect body under the shirt. Derek looked into her eyes – I want you-, his voice was low, hardly audible and that made her turned on. She put an hand behind his head and kissed him hard for all the time she could. They pulled away slowly

- Derek…-

- Maybe I should go- he said going towards the door.

- Why?-

- Why? Meredith, you're driving me insane! If I stay I'll rend your clothes, you can be sure of that-

Meredith leaned to him – Maybe I want you to do that-

Derek looked at her – Maybe you want it now, but tomorrow you could regret it and I don't want that. I want you to be ready, I want to take it slow, even if I want you more than I ever wanted a woman. I want to make the things well this time because you're too important-

Meredith smiled – Thank you for being a perfect gentleman-

- You know what? It's really, really hard. You should try not to be so irresistible-

Meredith laughed – I'll try- she said then kissed him, soft this time. –See you tomorrow, Derek-

- Yeah, goodnight, Mer-

- Goodnight-

He walked away. Meredith went to sleep light and happy: maybe this time he wouldn't hurt her. Yeah, this time would be different.


	8. They can't compete

Author's note: Thank you for the reviews! It was kind of hard writing this chapter, the last scene in particular, because it's one of the most important of the story. Let me know what you think, I really want to know if you like it. I think the next chapter will be the last one, so review, please!

Chapter 8: They can't compete

The two weeks after that evening were quite enough: simple cases at work, no problems at home and with Derek….well, it hadn't happened anything. Now was Derek who was avoiding her, not because he was angry or something like that, but because he didn't know if he could keep himself from kissing and touching her or more than that….Meredith knew that, because she felt the same way, so she didn't try to talk to him, even if she missed him like hell. The most beautiful thing was that she was actually starting to trust him again. The way he was acting showed her how much he cared about her…..she hadn't forgotten how fantastic he had been the last time they saw each other out of the hospital, at her house, when they were actually crossing the line…..he really wanted her that night, she felt it, and she wanted him as well. They could have had great sex…..but he had stopped himself because what he really wanted was being with her forever and not just for one night…now Meredith loved him more than before.

But there was something that bothered her: she often saw Derek with Addison. They didn't do anything wrong, they just talked and she shouldn't have been disturb by that….but she was in some way. It was stupid. She wasn't the kind of woman who doesn't want her man to talk to his ex….Derek and Addison had been married for eleven years, they couldn't just quit talking, she knew that…she understand that. But that didn't change the fact she feel hurt. Maybe it was because she didn't know what they were talking about…..yeah, it was definitely that. She wanted to know everything about Derek….she wanted to be able to say that she actually knew him .But maybe she wouldn't never know him the way Addison did. And that really hurt her.

- I have a big gossip- said Cristina sitting at her table at lunch

- What gossip?- asked Meredith without too much curiosity.

- You know Alex and Izzie are dating, right?-

- They're not dating…..they go out sometimes- Meredith corrected her.

- I call it dating-

- Izzie doesn't. She lost Danny a month ago, she isn't still ready for that-

- Whatever. The big news is that Alex finally told her he loves her-

- Really?-

- Yeah. Maybe if they got back together she'll come back to work-

- I don't know Cristina….how did she react?-

- I don't know that, you should ask her-

- Yeah…I hope she'll come back to work as well, but I don't think it'll happen so fast- Meredith observed.

Cristina rolled her eyes. – Today you're more pessimist than usual-

- I'm just realistic. And you're more optimistic than usual today -

- Burke is doing progresses, really great progresses. So yes, Cristina Yang will be cheerful today-

Meredith laughed: it was very rare seeing Cristina like that…and strange too. But she liked it.

- I'm really happy for him…and for you too- she said

- Now it's your turn. What's up?- Cristina asked.

Meredith sighed – Nothing….it's stupid-

- Do you think I care? I want to know now!-

- Ok, calm down….It's just….I think that Addison has a connection with Derek that I won't never be able to have. And it hurts me-

- You're right…..you're really stupid-

- Cristina!-

- Meredith, you and McDreamy have the best chemistry on this planet! It's palpable-

- But Addison knows more things about him than I do-

- You knows him better than you think-

- How can you be so sure?-

- I am, stop. I'm Cristina. I know everything-

Meredith rolled her eyes and smiled – You're sooo modest!-

Later Meredith was filling a patient's chart.

- Hi- she knew who the voice was of before looking at him

- Dr Shepherd- she said

- Dr Shepherd? Is something wrong?-

Perfect: she didn't know him, but he really knew her. When something about him bothered her, she called him Dr Shepherd.

- Everything's fine. It's just…you know, we're at work- she lied.

He didn't seem to believe her, but he let the thing go.

- Are you busy tonight?- he asked

- I don't think so, why?-

- I was wondering if you could come back home with me. To my trailer-

He had actually asked her that. They hadn't talked each other for two weeks and now he was asking her something like that

- Derek, I don't know….why should I?-

- I have to tell you something….actually I have to show you something-

Meredith was watching him curiously – What should you show me?- she asked

- What is it? An interrogatory? Please, just come-

He seemed to really care about that secret thing.

- Ok, I'll come-

He smiled….crap, she just wanted to kiss him when he smiled.

- So, see you later- he said and he walked away. Meredith sighed…..everyday keep self control was harder.

Derek had driven her to his trailer silently. Meredith felt agitated…..sometimes she really hated surprises. When they were in the trailer she asked - So, what did you want to show me?-

- Wait and you'll see- he opened a drawer and took a file. He gave Meredith it- Look- he simply said.

She couldn't believe it: it was a copy of divorce papers, signed by both Derek and Addison.

Signed. This time divorce papers were signed.

We signed it yesterday. I did everything I could to make it faster and I have to say that Addison really helped-

Meredith was speechless. He wasn't married anymore. Suddenly she understood why he talked with Addison so often

- So….you and Addison…when you were talking lately….was about the divorce?- she asked hesitantly.

- Yes. It's not so simple getting a divorce. There are a lot of issues, you know…..but now everything's over, Mer. She's not my wife anymore-

She didn't know why, but she started to cry. Derek looked at her confused

- Mer…why are you crying? What's wrong?- he asked leaning to her.

- I'm so stupid! I was upset because you talked with her so much and instead you were….oh, I'm so stupid!-

Derek hugged her – It doesn't matter, it's okay now-

- No, it's not okay-

- Don't cry…shh….don't cry- he said stroking her hair.

After a while Meredith calmed down. She looked at Derek – I'm sorry Derek-

- Don't be sorry….it's my fault if you can't trust me-

- No, it's not that…you've been perfect lately, really. And now I know you care about me, I know you won't hurt me intentionally, I know that.-

- Do you?-

- I do. I think I can trust you…..I think I can try to be us again. I want it-

Derek gave her a wonderful smile – Meredith….that's great!-

- But…- she continued

- There's a but, of course- he said while his smile died down.

- I think I can't compete with Addison-

- What? I don't understand….-

- Let me finish: I know you love me, really, but Addison has been your wife for eleven years…eleven years, Derek. She knows you, she knows your family. How can I compete with her? I just can't…..and it hurt me so much, because- she stopped for a moment…..she hadn't said what she was going to say since he had broken her heart.

- Meredith?- he called, touching her arm. She shivered.

- Because….I love you….I love you so much Derek that it hurts- she confessed, her voice was a whisper.

He smiled – I was waiting so much for you to say that again-

She didn't say anything.

- Meredith, all you said it's true….but it's also wrong-

- What do you mean?-

- It's true that Addison has been my wife for eleven years, that she knows me…..but the Derek she knows doesn't exist anymore. She knows the old me, the man who worked all day and wasn't never with his wife, the man who thought his best friend was the love of his life and married her when they were both too young. I'm not that person anymore, Meredith. When I moved to Seattle and I met you I've become a different men….a men who loves ferryboat, who likes living in a trailer and not in a big house, a men who prefer spending time with the people he loves instead of working all day, who knows that the true love of his wife is a beautiful intern who made his heart beating fast like a woman has never made. Addison doesn't know this man…..you do, Meredith. You know this man…..you know me. It's not true you can't compete with Addison…..she can't compete with you….. Nobody can compete with you-

Meredith smiled between tears….she didn't need time, space or anything else anymore: she just needed him. She put an hand on his chest and looked him deeply….they didn't need words. They kissed hard, starving of each other. She unbuttoned his shirt and let it fall on the ground, staring his perfect body – You know, you're too sexy…it's dangerous having a boyfriend so sexy, I bet all the girls in the hospital dream of having sex with you-

He laughed and sat on the bed attracting Meredith towards him – They can't compete, remember?-

Meredith smiled and kissed him hard, putting an hand trough his hair – Yeah, they can't-


	9. All the time we want

Author's note: So, this is the last chapter…I didn't know exactly how to end this story, but I think I wrote a good ending, or at least I hope so! Thank you to all of you that have followed this story! Read and review!

Chapter 9: All the time we want

The light of the new day filled Derek's trailer and woke Meredith up. She slowly opened her eyes, trying to understand where she was…..it wasn't too difficult recognize the place: the first thing she saw was Derek, leant on his elbow, who was watching her.

- Good morning- he said smiling

- Good morning- she echoed leaning in to kiss him. – How long have you been awake?- she asked

- Actually I've never fallen asleep-

- Seriously? We have to work!-

- I know that, but I couldn't sleep with you next to me after so long time. I just wanted to watch you-

Meredith smiled – Don't complain if you won't be able to be awake today- she joked.

- Don't worry about that…there will be no problems- he said kissing her neck.

- Stop- commanded Meredith

- Why?-

- You have to be quiet….I'll play- she said placing herself on the top of him.

Derek laughed – Whatever you want –

Derek parked his car in the parking lot of the hospital.

- Maybe I should go first…...everybody are going to notice we're arrived together and I don't know if that's good…- said Meredith

- Mer, calm down!- he said smiling

- I'm sorry….but I don't know how we should act…..this time would be different…your ex wife woks with us….and there's the Chief…he's never wanted us to be together…-

- Meredith, listen to me: you have to calm down. It's not so complicated like you think. Addison knows that we would end up together eventually, so don't worry about her-

- But….it's going to be hard for her. I know how it's like….when you left me I was a mess.- she protested.

- Mer, I know you're kind and I love you for that, but let's care about your happiness…our happiness. We deserve it-

Meredith smiled – Ok…and about the Chief?-

- I'll talk to him, and however I don't care what he thinks…..I want to be with you. Nothing will be able to make me be without you again-

- I count on it-

Derek smirked and kissed her on the forehead – Let's go, we're late-

- Together?-

- Yes, together-

They got off the car and went in the hospital. Meredith looked for Derek's hand. He noticed it and took hers and held it tightly. Everybody around looked at them and whispered

- This hospital is worse than my old high school- Derek observed.

Meredith laughed – Yeah, I guess it is-

Richard Webber was in sitting in his office, doing anything in particular. His niece was really sick, he couldn't concentrate himself on work.

- Richard, can I talk with you?- It was Derek.

- Sure-

Derek came in the office. – It's about Meredith Grey-

Richard nodded: he wasn't surprised. He knew about Derek and Addison's divorce and he understood immediately that Derek had done what he hadn't had the straight to do twenty years ago: leaving his wife to be with the woman he loved.

- Go on- he said simply even if he knew what Derek was going to tell him.

- We're got back together. I know that you don't approve, Richard, but I love her and she loves me. I finally understood that is that what is really important….I want to make her happy and I know I can do it-

Richard nodded – I've known Meredith since she was born, do you know that?-

- I do-

- I'm not good at show it….but I love her like she was my own child. I want her to be happy, so if you think you're right for her, that's good for me-

- Thank you Richard-

- You don't have to thank me…..just, try to be professional here….especially in front of Addison-

- I'll do it-

For the first time after ages Meredith was really happy, and this time weren't doubts or fear…..this time everything was perfect. She didn't mater that everywhere she went people talked about her and Derek….it wasn't important, not anymore.

- I saw the two of you this morning….so it's true? You're together again?- asked Cristina.

- Yeah, it's true- said Meredith with a stupid smirk on her face.

- Oh, don't be so happy, it's disgusting!-

- I'm sorry I think I'll be like this for a long time-

Cristina couldn't help but smile – Good, so I won't have to see you miserable again. It's strange but it's good too-

- I think so-

- Oh my God….Izzie's here!- said Cristina. Meredith followed her gaze and saw Izzie

- Izzie!-

- Hey guys-

- What are you doing here?- Meredith asked

- Oh, Chief wanted to talk to me-

- What did he want?-

- He tried to convince me to return to Seattle Grace-

- That's great! Have you accept?- asked Cristina

- I told him I'll think about it…..it's hard after Danny's death, but I miss surgery….I don't know, I really have to think about it- Izzie explained.

- It's something that you're thinking about it- said Meredith

- Talking about you….you weren't at home this morning-

Cristina smirked – Don't you know? She's back with McDreamy-

- Seriously? That's great Meredith!-

- Yeah, it is-

- So you two yesterday night…..- Izzie began smiling.

- Yes, we had sex….twice. And once this morning too, actually- Meredith said nonchalantly

- Oh, you don't waste time, uh?- asked Cristina

- No…I don't want to waste time anymore-

Three weeks later….

- Meredith, we'll be late! Hurry up!- said Derek waiting for Meredith to go out of the bathroom

- Just a moment!-

- If we miss the plane, my sister will kill me!-

That day was Derek's big sister anniversary and he and Meredith had to go to New York for the party.

- Ok, I'm ready!- she said and went out of the bathroom.

- Finally!-

- I'm sorry, but today I'll meet your family, I'm a bit nervous….what if they don't like me?-

- They're going to love you…..I don't see how a person couldn't love you- said Derek

Meredith smiled and kissed him. – I love you, you know that?-

- Of course that I know-

It had been three weeks since she and Derek were back together and everything was great…..they were always together. Things were fine for her friends too. Izzie had finally begun to work at Seattle Grace again. She and Alex weren't together, it was too soon, but Meredith was sure that soon or later Alex would be lucky; Burke was doing really better and Derek said that the month after he would be able to work again; and finally George was still with Callie….he seemed to really love her and he and Meredith talked much more.

- Can we go? Or you're going to have a death boyfriend-

Meredith laughed – Is Mary so terrible?-

- Yeah, she can be. But she's fantastic as well. I'm sure the two of you will get on well-

- I hope so-

He took the carrying case from her hand – I'll bring it. C'mon- Meredith followed him out of the house where his car was parked.

- Derek?- she called

- What?-

- You make me happy, you know that? I'm happy like I've never been in all my life. A months ago I was angry because I couldn't forget you, but now…..now I thank God everyday for make impossible for me to forget you-

Derek leaned to her and brought her in his arms.

- And this is strange because I think I've never believed in God that much-

Derek kissed her….a long soft kiss

- Derek…-

- Mer, you had better to shout up sometimes-

He kissed her again, hard this time

- But….the…..plane- she managed to say between kisses.

- I don't care about the plane-

- You said Mary would kill you if we miss the plane-

- I'll die happy-

She laughed and took him inside. There will be time for knowing Derek's family, going with him to New York or everything else: they had all the time they wanted.


End file.
